| I haven't posted in awhile because I have just been swamped. And not just normal internship swamped, all stuff I have sought out, procured, obtained as a way to keep moving. Apparently, this is new knowledge uncovered about myself, I work harder longer stronger when in pain or hurting. And it's nothing big, it's just an aggregate of little racial/ethnic/sexual orientation injuries and insults that I guess I realize more pronouncedly all this mistreatment I DON'T DESERVE!
Having said that, the reason I'm posting this today is for an entirely different reason. Last night was a night of contrasts, extreme polarities. And it's shockingly reflective of my time at Berkeley since I've been here.
So a little background first, not much. Making friends and new social connections is difficult for anyone but pretty difficult for me. So I have made friends with people I work with, they don't completely accept me for the quirky hypermanically perky conundrum that I am. But that's a hard thing to do in a few months. However last night was different, I went to the city to meet with one of my longest running friendships. He was say 5 or 6; I haven't the heart to tell him it's going on seven because we have only met in person twice. This is hilarious to me because he probably knows me better than any of my other friends that I see or hear from much more frequently.
Anyway, I met up with my friend and his hilarious friend and it was just so easy. I didn't have to prove myself, I wasn't in competition with either of them or feel self-conscious or self-critical like usual (ok maybe a little, they are both insanely good looking). So to address the whole contrast/polarity concept, this friend that I've known like 6± years is kind of like being in close proximity to a star (not a celebrity - a ball of warm, comforting, bright, positive energy).
Bare with me, this is a little more odd sounding in words. But thing about me is that innately, I am both intuitive and rather sensitive to emotions and experiences of the environment I'm in proximity to (even on the phone sometimes). It is both a huge strength and a debilitating characteristic. Because when I'm in a negative environment, I feel the weight on me like this invisible force on my body. And for someone who is more prone to the good, the true, the positive, this becomes difficult.Not because of the weight alone, but more because by nature, I try and dispel some of the negativity and that can be like throwing tissue paper (me) at a bank vault grossly oversimplified. On the other hand, when I'm around people like my friend, "the star," it makes me feel more like a kite with my feet nowhere near the ground. My steady state, equilibrium is probably somewhere in between.
Anyway, it was an amazing feeling. And of course, being in such a space, part of me knew that there would be something to off-balance it. And it came in the form of the scary movie the three of us saw - Paranormal Activity. It's not the scariest movie I've seen but the subject matter was a topic that frequently visits me in my overactive imagination creating night terrors. Something that happened a lot when I was a kid, disappeared and then came back in college. Got so bad that I actually moved in with my brother because I couldn't live alone at the time - around the same time I met my friend who I saw last night (my junior year in college, which is craziness). So it's only fitting that after a sorely needed night out with someone I care deeply about and feeling great, it's somewhat ironic that I was up the entire night terrified and unable to sleep because my imagination tends to make things real. So I was visited by the subject matter of the movie frequently over the course of the night. Either because my imagination got the best of me or the "unnervedness" attracted something. Which had me clutching my cross and praying familiar passages to calm my nerves. My rule is typically never sleep alone when I'm anticipating a "terror event" as I call it. And I almost called my friend/cohort in Berkeley but I have yet set up a contingency plan with someone in town to rely on if I'm just too freaked out to go home. It's a weird thing to get use to. Bright side, I also created an awesome meditation that I'm totally going to use with one of my clients. Yep, I know, it's a tad bit well insane. (Note to self: no more horror movies for awhile).
But I did a lot of thinking and how that one night was the exact condensed experience of what being at Berkeley has been like. Overwhelming positive energy that has me floating on air and debilitating negative energy that has me a puddle on the floor. Of course being what drew me to the profession, all that's mentioned above and that I think too much, feel too much. So this is probably a stretch, but it was an interesting parallel process to say the least. I also missed my bus, got one hour of sleep last night, and passed out this morning in the aisle at Walgreens - all before 8:33 a.m. But I'm here at work because I'M A WARRIOR! And a little bit insane from the lack of sleep. Anyway until next time, this has been a streaming broadcast from the mind of a borderline hypermanically perky, optimistic, completely terrified to go home pre-doc intern. |
